fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
