Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
