And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
