my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
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you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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