doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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