Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
