i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
