True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
