Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
