I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
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She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
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I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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