I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
