she takes plan B like it's going out of style
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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