You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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