I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize