Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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