She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
