My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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