he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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