I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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