i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
