i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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