I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
