either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
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What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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