My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
