so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's rum buckets o'clock
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
