Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
