i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
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I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
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You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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