i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
