I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
