I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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