listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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