My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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