wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
