I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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