i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
