when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
