I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
