I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Randomize
