nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
