I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
and she was petting her beer can
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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