So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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