So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
