My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
