A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
