Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
The best revenge is premature balding
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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