I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
