I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
