I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
