I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
