I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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