My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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