her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
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I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
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I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson