fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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