ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
