why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
