i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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