Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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